Sunday, September 12, 2010

VH-1 100 Greatest Artists

Last week, VH-1 aired a 5 part special listing the 100 Greatest Artists of All-Time, ranked by d-bags like the comically-named Jason Mraz:
http://blog.vh1.com/2010-08-25/who-will-come-out-on-top-of-vh1s-100-greatest-artists-of-all-time/

VH-1 made a similar list in 1998:
http://www.rockonthenet.com/archive/1998/vh1artists.htm

Somehow, the new list does NOT include...
The Supremes
The Temptations
Simon & Garfunkel
The Byrds
Buddy Holly
B.B. King
Creedence (CCR)
Eric Clapton
Frank Zappa
The Four Tops
John Coltrane
Miles Davis
Roy Orbison
Frank Sinatra
Muddy Waters

They were removed to make room for "legends" like:
Tupac
Outkast
Notorious BIG
Journey
Guns 'n Roses
George Michael
Eminem
Depeche Mode
Cheap Trick

BULL SHIT!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Young Audiophiles?

I often read pieces from "audiophiles" lamenting the lack of young people interested in the hobby. I recently experienced first hand why so few fellow Gen Y-ers wouldn’t know good sound if it bit them in the underwear.



I visited a friend who has converted his basement into a pretty serious studio. Great mics, acoustical tiles, the works. He records into his laptop using ProTools (no tape!), and wanted me to hear some tracks. The drum sound was nice and tight, a bit restrained, but otherwise very pleasing. Not unlike the drums on Bonnie Raitt’s first album. The guitar sounded quite "bold" and unencumbered, for lack of a better term.




Now, the kicker.




He says, "oops, I only have the 2 overhead mic tracks selected," and he proceeded to activate about 16 more mic channels in the recording. YUCK! Unfocused slabs of drums started coming through the speakers, trying to melt my face. It made Metallica's "Black Album" sound polite.




Then, he proceeded to demonstrate the 50+ effects he could use to digitally muck-up the guitar (adding plenty of the HF hash associated with bad digital).




Only after all of this processing did he have a sound with which he was happy. I recorded a band last year, very simply, on a reel to reel deck with some basic mics. The sound was by no means "audiophilic," but it was far more pleasing than the onslaught I experienced in this "real" studio. Every time I see/hear a beat-up Chevy Cavalier blasting crappy Nickelback songs, it reminds me that most people only THINK they recognize good sound. And there's not much we can do about this. If they don't value good sound, or their hearing, why would they buy and listen to a decent audio system? An iPod with those ear-shredding mouse-turd headphones suits them just fine.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

How the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame Works

Every Spring, as the pot plants bloom and another class is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I read SOOOOOOO many posts from d-bags about who's in, who's not, why they're not, etc.


I'm a rocker, I understand these critics and the record biz, so here it is.


Officially, a performer is eligible for the Rock Hall 25 years after the release of their first record under that name. Bruce Springsteen was inducted in 1999. But "Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band" won't be eligible until 2011; the first release bearing that name was the (underwhelming) Live 1975-85 compilation.


There's also a gray area regarding which members of a group are inducted. Santana has had 8,000 members in the last 40 years. Yet only the original, "classic" lineup (1967-1972) is in the HoF. The rules can be bent, however, by the powers-that-be. Fleetwood Mac started as a British blues band fronted by Peter Green and (alleged molester) Jeremy Spencer. Then they morphed toward a poppier sound with hitmaker Bob Welch. Then came the most popular lineup with Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham. All of these folks are in except Welch (from the middle lineup). Weird. It's the same reason Dave Winfield is wearing a Padres cap in Cooperstown.


Who makes these calls? Jann Wenner (founder of Rolling Stone), Ahmet Ertegun (founder of Atlantic Records) and other music biz giants running the Rock Hall Board. Who can blame them? They put the Rock Hall together, they’ve discovered/mentored hundreds of talented musicians... why would they want to crap up the HoF with acts they find unworthy?


They decide who is nominated, when, which members, under what name, etc. It's then up to a huge pool of music biz professionals (ranging from Paul Shaffer to George Martin) to actually vote on the inductees.


Is this the RECORD SALES Hall of Fame? NO! If it were, The Carpenters, George Michael, Barry Manilow and Lionel Richie would have been inducted by now.



Is this the MUSIC Hall of Fame? NO! Otherwise, you'd have Gershwin and Paul Whiteman next to Cher and the Four Lads.


Is this the INTERNATIONAL Music Hall of Fame? NO! Then you'd see Wagner and Ravi Shankar with Bryan Adams and Pink Lady.


Is this even the POP Hall of Fame? Somewhat.



Unofficially, getting into the Rock Hall requires an act to have AT LEAST two of the following four criteria in their corner:


critical acclaim

huge record sales (POP, as in popularity)

influence on future acts

love from the Rock Hall board of Ertegun, Wenner, etc. (this one sticks in the craw of every Rock Hall naysayer)



Some acts are slam dunks: Elvis, The Beatles, Chuck Berry, The Rolling Stones, Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan, etc. But The Dave Clark Five, The Hollies, Donna Summer... none of these acts were on the radar a decade ago. Yet love from the board eventually melted the hearts of voters.


The Velvet Underground sold maybe 14 albums in their lifetime, but their huge influence continues to this day. (Love from the board helps).


Neil Diamond, Grand Funk, Chicago and Journey were all popular in their day, but critics hated them and their music isn't played much anymore (aside from a couple of singles). Influence? Minimal. Yet I read far too many complaints about their exclusion. Again, would the Hall invite chronic bed-wetters to their pool party? NO!


The Monkees were very popular for 2 years, marginally influential ("look at this show, ma! I wanna start a band!"), but critically dismissed. Davy Jones contends that Wenner has a personal dislike for the group, which is a shame. Most of the great Motown acts (Temptations, Supremes, Four Tops, etc.) sang while others played on and wrote their records. The Monkees started out that way, then began playing and writing as well. Give 'em a shot!


Hall & Oates were hugely popular, critics were indifferent, yet they have proven increasingly influential in the 25 years since they stopped having hits. The Board must have a problem.


The Moody Blues were quite popular from 1967-81. Yet there are few symphonic pop bands out there today. Critics have always felt their albums were contrived. (Examples include the spoken word sections of Days of Future Passed and the prologue to "Ride My See-Saw," neither of which has aged well.) So they have a long wait. My suggestion: The Moodies need a concise, highly visible compilation of their magnificent singles to reignite interest. Queen's Classic Queen in the early '90s brought them back into the U.S. limelight, along with Wayne's World and Freddie Mercury's death. I recommend a new compilation, then placing "I'm Just a Singer In a Rock and Roll Band" in a movie, commercial or even video game, and then killing one of the members. Or at least having him disappear in Russia for a few years. Justin Hayward, I'm looking in your direction.


These rules apply only to musical acts. The HoF now has additional, separate categories for record executives, producers, engineers, sidemen and the other talented, overlooked individuals who serve as the glue between the gears of Rock.


Quincy Jones produced Thriller, Off the Wall and countless other hits. Yet in 1991, he gave a rambling, self-serving speech while inducting Ahmet's then-recently deceased brother, Nesuhi, who co-founded Atlantic. Jones is not in the Hall... yet.


Obviously, induction into the Rock Hall is a complicated mess of politics. It's not just about who was the most popular or who had the truest rock and roll outlaw spirit (where's Waylon Jennings?). In the next 10 years, as the number of eligible, un-inducted rock acts dries up, what will the Hall do? Open a hip-hop wing? Close up shop? Change their name to the "Music Hall of Fame"? I suspect they’ll be forced to revisit some of the overlooked acts of the "rock era" (which I define as 1955-85), before plunging headlong into hip hop. My predictions follow. Bear in mind I’m not a fan of many of these acts, but I feel they will still be considered:



The WHY AREN'T THEY IN YET? List These acts should get in right away:

-Ringo Starr (as a solo artist; how many kids took up the drums because of Ringo?! The man's had three hit albums and 7 Top 10 singles, including 2 #1's!)

-Hall & Oates

-Quincy Jones (as a Producer)

-Def Leppard

-Beastie Boys

-Little Feat

-Randy Newman

-Merle Haggard

-Lee "Scratch" Perry

-Lou Reed

-Todd Rundgren

-The Faces/Small Faces

-War




The Next Decade List :

Guess Who

Huey Lewis and the News

Kiss

Stevie Ray Vaughn

Heart

Rush

Roxy Music

J. Geils Band

Sting (solo)

Harry Nilsson

Moody Blues

Badfinger

The Spinners

Cliff Richard

Donovan

Procol Harum

Gram Parsons

Stephen Stills (solo)

Ry Cooder

Jethro Tull

Yes

Steve Miller

Rick James

Jan & Dean

Alice Cooper

The Monkees

The Doobie Brothers

Deep Purple

Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels

Judas Priest

Rufus Thomas

Donna Summer

Phish

Randy Travis

Chicago

Sonic Youth

Carole King (as a Performer; she's already in as a writer)

The E Street Band (may not be eligible till 2012 due to a ridiculous technicality; Bruce was inducted in 1999)

Spinal Tap

Bernie Taupin (as a Writer)

Norman Whitfield (he was Motown's biggest Producer/Writer in the 70s, mostly working with the Temptations)

Al Jolson (early influence; ask David Lee Roth!)

Jimmy Miller (produced all the great Stones albums in the 60s and 70s, plus Traffic, Spencer Davis Group and Motorhead)

Geoff Emerick (engineered every Beatles album from Revolver through Abbey Road, plus "Band On the Run" and LPs by Elvis Costello and Jeff Beck)

Chuck Britz (engineered all the Beach Boys and Jan & Dean hits in the 60s)

John Coltrane (as an early influence)

Al Kooper (for Lifetime Achievement: discovered Skynyrd; started the Blues Project and Blood Sweat & Tears; exec at Columbia Records)

Ed Sullivan (as a Non-Performer; DICK CLARK is in for the same category)



FUTURES (will be eligible in the next decade or so):

Snoop Dog

NWA

Public Enemy

Mariah Carey

Kanye West

50 Cent

Salt n Pepa

Boyz II Men

Babyface

Soundgarden

Green Day

STP

Hole

Steve Albini

Bruce Pavitt and Jonathan Poneman (founders of Sub Pop)

Simon Cowell (American Idol)

Black Crowes

Guns 'n Roses

Nirvana

Pearl Jam

Ice Cube

Ice-T

Rage Against the Machine

Sheryl Crow

Dave Mathews Band

Pantera

Dr. Dre

Janet Jackson

Saturday, February 13, 2010

TV Review: "Kojak"

I just watched an episode of "Kojak" and am totally confused, because it's a 2 parter. So I'll have to watch TV for the next 167 hours to find out what happens. You know what DOESN'T happen? Kojak DOESN'T get a parking ticket. I keep hearing from my Big Apple connections that a "Kojak" is slang for the perfect parking spot, as Det. Kojak could always find one. But that doesn't make sense- if you're a Police Detective, the WHOLE CITY is your parking spot. You can park on orphan baby if you want! Once I parked in my old high school's parking lot so I could run across the street to the vet's. My neighbor needed me to pickup her fish (Gerald), and my neighbor was really hot, so I pretended to love animals and said I'd do ti. When I came back, my car had TWO tickets. One for no parking, and one for having no roof (it was a convertible; what an idiot). Gerald was pure evil, I'm sure of it. I hated that fish, but he hated me first.

TV Review: "The Rockford Files" (1/13/1978)

I just watched the "Rockford Files" episode "The Gang At Don's Drive-In" about a once great author who's trying to claw his way back into the public consciousness with a new publication. No, not ME. Jack Skowron, the author of the fictitous "Free Fall to Ecstacy." The book has a sort of "Catcher In the Rye" mystique about it within this episode. Personally, I never cared for Salinger's coming-of-age novel. There's nothing about baseball in the whole book, and nothing about bread. No cather, no rye. That may sound like a bad pun, but sports and food are two of the few things that hold my interest. So I didn't care that school library matron Mrs. Ito was offended when I asked for the book. We couldn't even get copies of the Ramona Quimby books because she was convinced "Beezus" was some sort of veiled religious reference. Mrs. Ito, we think, was related to Judge Lance Ito from the O.J. Simpson trial. Remember him? And Kato Kaelin? And Mark Furman? I used to call my cat "Mark FUR-man" because he had white fur and didn't like me, hence his innate racism. Maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

Movie Review: Papillon (1973)

WHAT A DISAPPOINTING MOVIE!

Look at the DVD case... Steve McQueen! Dustin Hoffman! A gritty '70s prison
story! On an island!!! From the director of Patton (Franklin J. Schaffner)! Oh ma Gawd! Let's get this!

The movie starts well. Beautiful, eye-popping photography. Dustin Hoffman
in Coke bottle glasses. Kick ass. Steve McQueen has a crazy plan! I am
going to love this! And then... it just sits there. McQueen struggles to
carry out the plan over and over and over and over again.

The film is based on the book by Henri Cherriririeiei, about his supposed
real-life expoits as a prisoner on French Guiana. His "daring escape" in the
book is reduced to a "stroll down the lazy river" in the movie. After 2 1/2
hours!

Today's directors all grew up watching "Mr. Belvedere," and it shows. But in the 70s, directors went to fancy film schools and were legally ordered to include one long, boring section of character development in their films. Without it, Roger Ebert automatically took away 2 stars from the review and got to eat one of your kidneys (usually the good one). Dog Day Afternoon has Chris Sarandon whining to Al Pacino. Get Carter has Michael Caine touring Birmingham for 40 minutes. And Papillon could lose about an hour of McQueen silently puttering around jail and the ocean and a tropical island and the jungle.

"Papillon" is French for butterfly, and so I am taking this DVD and submerging it in the case for Cocoon, and hopefully Wilford Brimley can metamorph this mess into something useful. Oatmeal?

MISS ROSA-PBS

I know all of you love watching Caillou and Super Y on PBS. They're great teasers for the big gun, Sesame Street, and really lull me into a false sense of intelligence before Elmo splatters my television with cute.

The real attraction, though, is between the shows. Not commercials; PBS doesn't have commercials. Just "30 second sponsorship billboards" to pay the bills. (Charlie Rose demands 63 lbs. of fresh fruit in his dressing room every night, even if they're showing a rerun).

Every half hour, Miss Rosa (the Latina goddess of Public Broadcasting) pops up for 30 seconds to teach me about "naranjas" and "los coches" and any other basic Spanish I can grasp. A quick "muy bien," mentions about the next show, and she's gone. It is gut wrenching.

Miss Rosa is actually an actress with an active MySpace page (shouldn't she be on "MuySpace"?), and I think she lives in Philly. That's hot. Cheese steaks! Geno's! Pat's! No service for people who don't speak English! Rock. I worked with a girl who was from Philadelphia, and I asked if she preferred Geno's or Pat's, and she had no idea what I was talking about. So I punched her in the neck. Then she quit a year later because someone told her "we don't put Chinese people on television."

Back to Miss Rosa, who is insanely attractive. Her demeanor is sort of girl-next-door-gets-sent-to-reform-school-but-won't-admit-it. For a while, they were using odd camera angles and I was convinced she was pregnant. And she was STILL hot. Easily one of the 10 hottest women I've ever seen on TV, in movies, or on the radio (what?). She dresses very teacherly and smiles a lot, and I'm convinced she is steering a generation of young boys away from homosexuality. Or at least confusing a generation of young gay boys enough that they'll spend their lives unhappy and withdrawn. Ouch. Maybe I shouldn't have posted this.

I believe Rosa is married in real life, so I've got to ask: does anyone know where he parks his car, and if it has drum or disk brakes? JUST CURIOUS.